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I'm going to go get a bus to White Haven now, and I should be home just in time for Aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking. Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron? I've been doing cool stuff all game. Woo! Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi. Well when you put it like that, with the mean voice and all... And that is why you are so amazing!

You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Like, monologues. Did you know that if you're a pilot, that Chilis will seat you right away even if the pilot's dinner companion has just been yelling at the hostess? Nope. Hipster nonsense, I'm out. This better be important Jack, I was in the middle of buying a bag of bras on eBay. I can actually feel myself getting sick. Am I the only person who saw Obama’s press conference on how to sneeze?

All God’s children are terrible. S that D. Shut it down. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn’t mean I don’t love America. [winks at camera] I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party-dance all night. Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

And now I am heading home for a nooner—which is what I like to call having pancakes for lunch. Ugh, I hate January. It’s dark and freezing and everyone’s wearing bulky coats. You can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless. I’m 37, please don’t make me go to Brooklyn. And I am not crazy. Because, unlike Jenna, my mother never used my beauty pageant winnings to buy her married boyfriend a motorcycle. My work self is suffocating my life-me.

Are you sure? Cause I took one of those “Which Gossip Girl are you?” quizzes, and it said I was the dad’s guitar. That's what you use the jars for? You told me that was sun tea. Well, that would only be a problem if I had any flaws. If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down. Do you need sex advice? Here's a tip. Sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on.